IN SAFE HANDS

Bhabhi and I have started to hit it off. I trust her more with my personal affairs now, and she entrusts me with her deeper secrets. We often gossip in the kitchen, in my room, and on the terrace. I pull my parents' legs when they make it hard for her, and she rejoices silently. She covers up for me when I leave with my friends, lying to my parents. I hadn't imagined this equation with her, but it seems to work. 

 

“I miss your brother. I wish he came home more often,” she sighed. I tried sympathising with her but couldn't feel what she felt. In retrospect, I realise I haven't felt close to him as much as I should have. I can't imagine what he would do if he learned about Salim. Speaking of whom, why can't he see I have no interest in his advances? If I feel anything for him, it's my deepest sympathies and disgust. I don't feel my heart flutter for him. I have no plans to hold his hand and walk around. I don't feel what he wants me to feel for him. Why, I haven't felt anything towards any guy in the past at all. I have listened to my friends swooning over their men. Even though I was jealous every time, I couldn't understand how they felt; I couldn't ever. Should that be bothering me at all? I have done my research on it a few times. 

“Why don't I like boys?” 

“Why don't I like anyone at all like others?” 

“How does it feel to be in love?” 

“How does it feel to have butterflies in one's stomach and am I abnormal if I don't get one.” 

“I don't like kissing and hugging. Am I abnormal?” 

Well, the answers died with my school computer’s incognito tab. I may have the answer already, but I don't know for sure.

 

“I wish he comes home often, too, Bhabhi. I miss him too,” I lied, the coldness in my words exuding through the surface, and she immediately caught it.

“Really? Are you close with your brother? I have never seen you guys bond, like ever,” she said. And I didn't deny. I gave her the comfort of having him for herself. I didn't want to be the sister who liked to be the third wheel.

“That's true. But rarely, I do miss him, especially when Ma makes me work in his place.” I laughed.

“Tell me, Sara. Who do you really miss? Or really like?” she asked, and I didn't have a clue where it was going.

“Ma? Baba, I guess?”

“Oh, not family. Come on. Name someone from outside this house.”

“My friends… there are a lot many. Nivi, Resh, Meera,” I considered Christy for a moment but stopped. But Bhabhi didn't look interested at all.

“Oh, Sara, when I ask you to name someone you like, I expect you to name a guy you really like. Someone you crush over. Someone you love watching from a distance. Someone you are flirting with or would love to hang out with,” she asked with a glint of mischief in her eyes.

“Oh, you want to know if I am into any guy, isn't that right?”

“Exactly.”

I hesitated at first, but then I realised it was Aliza Bhabhi. Secrets die within her. And so, I spoke. The truth this time.

“I… I am not...”

“Yea, yea. Spill it out.”

“Bhabhi, relax. I am not into boys. You need not worry about me ever. I don't know if it's an anomaly, but I don't feel anything for men.”

“Ya Allah! What are you saying, Sara? Do you mean… you are.. You are into?” she looked aghast and if I hadn't stopped her then I don't know how far she would have imagined. 

“No, Bhabhi. I am not into girls, too. If that's what you are afraid of, even though you shouldn't be. I just mean I can't seem to develop romantic feelings towards anyone. I haven't given it a thought. I haven't felt like it in the past. I haven't had it towards anyone. Guys, girls, anybody… I have nil attraction.”

“That's, that's even more sad. Maybe you haven't met anyone nice.”

“Maybe, maybe not. But is it necessary for everybody to develop feelings for another person?”

“Of course! How can you not? We are humans, and we always need someone to hold on to. To have a shoulder to lean on. Maybe to have a purpose in life.”

“Well, I have Ma. Now you. And my friends. What if I don't want another person to lean on? Does that make my life insignificant and purposeless?”

“No, no. That's not what I meant. But have you never felt butterflies in your stomach or your heart throbbing in your mouth?”

“I have. But those weren't moments involved with romantic relationships.” I could see her eyes widen as she listened patiently.

“Oh! So, can a doctor solve this issue?”

“Bhabhi, I have researched my issue a lot. Many of us are born this way, and it's absolutely normal. It isn't a disease to be treated. It doesn't need a cure.”

“Ummm… are you sure you aren't mistaken? Or?”

“Or?”

“Or are you making this up to avoid being involved in any scandal associated with you?”

“Oh, come on, Bhabhi. I promise. It's how I feel. You can trust me on this. And believe me, I am not looking for help. I am fine this way.”

“I wish I could help you.”

“You wish,” I said, and she patted my legs gently before slipping away inside her room. I was left behind to stare at the wall and wonder if my life was really adrift. And then a thought. Have I done the right thing by opening up to Bhabhi about it? I feel lighter after letting it out to someone finally but will this backfire badly anytime soon? I hope my secret is in safe hands now.

This is a part of Blogchatter A2Z2025

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