QALB AND AKL - THE HEART VS THE MIND
Classes passed one after the other, and I sat there mindlessly all the while. This has happened to me for the first time, and I do not know whom to blame. I was so zoned out that I did not realise math class had already begun, and I kept fidgeting my fingers, staring into oblivion. If I don’t find out soon, the question will eat me alive.
So, I sway to the person next to me whom I haven’t even known before and ask, “Is everyone still pissed off because I hit Christy?” The girl next to me looks at me indifferently. Yet she replies, “No, that’s not it.”
“Then? Has it got to do something with my family? Our private affairs?”
“No, not your family. But yours,” she offers benevolently.
I squeeze my brows together to try to make something out of it. Yet, nothing hits my mind.
“Your computer in the lab… someone accessed your Google and email account from our lab. There’s news that you aren’t normal,” she says, and I feel my chest tighten. I feel as if the world around me is tumbling. My chest feels hollow, and bile pools in my mouth.
“Everyone knows. There were posters of your Google search printed and circulated among students.”
“What? How-how?!” I gasp.
“I do not know who started it, but at one point, it felt like everyone wanted to share it. So, I guess it has travelled places already. There are talks about your… you know?” She twists her face in a way that makes me feel ashamed, as if my sexuality is something I need to be disgusted about. The pounding in my chest returns. I sweat and breathe heavily.
“There were scribblings on the walls with your name on it. Written in bold and bright colours. And then tagged ‘A girl? A boy? Who knows?’” She said. I shrunk in shame. Then, it all dawns on me. The looks I was served as I entered, the boys averting their gaze and the girls staring as if I didn’t belong here.
“Don’t get me wrong. But I can only tell you what happened because you looked sad and lonely. But don’t ask me more. I can’t be seen associating either you. My parents have already warned me to stay away from you.”
“Your parents? They know, too?”
“I told you. Everyone knows, the teachers and parents, too. That’s why you were asked to stay away for a couple more weeks until this cools off. Now, please, let’s go back to being strangers like before.”
The world is now a blur, and I have so many questions in my mind. Why did no one discuss this with my parents or anyone at home? Why wasn’t I questioned about it? Who would have done this disgusting act? Do I even deserve this? I hear someone call for me, deep from the abyss. It’s too late before I notice it’s my teacher as my name echoes through the room.
“Are you alright? Where are you lost?” She asks. She isn’t making a face. She isn’t judging me as always. She asks with the same indifference as always. But something inside me stirs. And instead of answering I start to whimper. I cover my face to protect my dignity. And the teacher comes sauntering towards me.
“Go to the teacher’s room now. We will talk after class,” she says. I pick up my bag and leave as everyone watches me. I don’t want to look back, at least for now.
That struck a chord Rehana. The invasion of one's privacy and then being judged and sentenced feels so oppressive.Very hard hitting.
ReplyDelete